Coaching for Couples and Partners

Why do our closest relationships trigger us the most?

Why do our worst selves come out with those we love?

Why do most partnerships crumble over time or under pressure?

“The conflicts you have with your mate are about each of you becoming the person you most want to be. That’s the opportunity of the relationship. Each of you needs to work through the pain and grow up.” Resmaa Menakem

Through partnership we envision the possibility of fulfilling a higher potential than what we can do, or who we can be, alone. We take on big challenges together and weave bonds of love and trust that can hopefully weather unexpected storms and losses.

Then the inevitable struggles push us to the threshold of our capacity. Clashes with our loved ones and close collaborators illuminate our sore spots and limitations, and breakdowns pile up. For the lifetime of any relationship, every time a challenge arises, we have to make a choice — the “clean pain” of healing or the “dirty pain” of avoidance.

I support partners who are up to big things — raising kids, taking care of communities, managing land, building visionary projects, making a life-changing decision together. They might be in unknown territory because they want to operate differently than what they learned or witnessed growing up. They may already have some tools from therapy or self-development, but they’re still getting stuck, not making the progress they want.

I love helping people change patterns around gender norms, power, privilege, and conflicts that keep coming back. I love working with romantic couples but this work is also great for platonic or work partners. I’ve seen it be effective at addressing communication problems, trust issues, aligning visions, and avoiding burnout.

This work is beneficial for partners who are really in the s**t, but can also be transformational for relationships that are going well. That can be just the right moment to go deeper.

It’s not enough to know what we want, or to arrive at a new insight, because we can’t think our way into changing. To fully transform a person, or a relationship, in a lasting way, requires that we practice new actions and new ways of being together. For that, we need somatic processes that include our whole selves.

Somatic coaching offers a dynamic, body-based process for change that can help partnerships transform in a lasting way.

“Somatic” means we work with practices and processes that include mind and body as an integrated whole, inseparable from each other and from their unique relationships, physical surroundings, desires, and histories.

It’s time to get partners coaching when you notice:

  • The same conflicts keep emerging

  • The old spark is dimming or gone

  • There are hurts that haven’t been sufficiently mended

  • You don’t trust each other like you used to

  • You’re fighting, running away, numb, or complacent

  • You’re navigating big unexpected changes or losses

  • You’re always tired

  • Someone is happy and the other is demanding change

  • Someone is afraid to speak truthfully or rock the boat

  • Someone is always getting triggered

  • Someone imagines calling it quits

  • Something isn’t working or something is missing

“This couples work is a key for unlocking new ways to work through challenges in partnership. J.D. supported us in exploring how to find new ways to care for one another, feel into connection and play. He also helped us explore our own patterns when we go into overwhelm, and see how we can still be present to one another as we navigate all the tasks of modern life. Even though it can feel hard to make time for this sort of thing, it is truly worth it. We are grateful for the new possibilities J.D. has helped us co-create for loving and supporting one another in these times.”

Emily & Ryan S.

“We came to J.D. because we were grappling with a really big life decision and were stuck in patterns from the past that we realized we could not navigate just the two of us. J.D.’s joyful, creative, curious quality had us immediately feel like we had an ally and advocate for both of us. At the same time, he directed us with efficiency towards what we wanted, so that after just a few sessions, we could envision new possibilities and come up with small action steps that we were able to take right away. His presence anchored us to slow down, take the space we needed to get underneath the stuckness, and allow meaningful insights to come through. He offered new perspectives and somatic practices that got us to a place we simply couldn’t have on our own. If your partnership is at an impasse, we highly recommend working with J.D.”

Erin & Vance Selover

FAQ’s

  • Coaching sessions are 60-75 minutes, conducted on Zoom or in-person in Durham, NC.

    At the beginning of our engagement, we focus on defining the change you want to make in your partnership. Then each time we meet for coaching we find a focus for that session based on what obstacle is getting in your way or what opportunity you want to act on.

    Sessions often include practices that develop your somatic awareness — increasing your capacity to observe how you think, your habitual stories and narratives, moods, emotions, and bodily sensations. As we get to know your individual & shared patterns and responses to stress, and understand the impact of your current context and relationships, we gain insight around what you might need to work on.

    Through coaching you will learn new body-based practices to support you individually and collectively in taking actions that you couldn’t before. In between sessions you will develop a daily & weekly practice routine to strengthen your new relational “muscles” and fulfill any important action steps.

    • join together to face big challenges, big desires, and big emotions

    • stay centered, grounded, and connected when you get triggered or in conflict

    • build a shared vision and align daily strategies for living with that vision as much as possible, finding small steps that don’t overstretch the partnership

    • stand in your full power while also embracing the soft qualities — tenderness, compassion, humility, generosity, gratitude, vulnerability, mourning

    • work with your socialized behaviors (especially, but not only, around gender training) to move towards a true shared power dynamic

    • practice honoring your capacity — learning to stretch into discomfort without burning out, and working within your natural limits, as a way to grow capacity and resilience over time

    • harness your unique strengths while leaning on support outside the relationship to counter limitations

    • learn skills for effective collaboration to accomplish the small and large tasks of living together with less strain

    • practice embodied skills that many of us lost as children — knowing and naming our needs, feeling and expressing our moods and emotions, making clear requests, creatively solving problems with solutions that work for everyone and hold the dignity of all, accessing deep joy and sharing it, accessing deep pain and tending it, giving and receiving feedback for the sake of everyone’s learning and growth, giving and receiving unconditionally and letting go of concepts of fairness and deserving

  • All the therapy, coaching, bodywork, and self-cultivation that I did as a single person was no match for getting married, moving cross-country, having children, sharing finances, and building a place to call home. My years of partnering at home and with collaborators have been the ultimate training ground where I get knocked down again and again, until I learn the lesson and face into the painful growth that is calling me. Sometimes it means growing my capacity so I can put in more work; sometimes it might look like surrendering, letting go, grieving, or calling in more support.

    Every relationship is different and I don’t work with a formula or linear progression.

    When relevant I draw on my own experience as a spouse and parent that has called me into my own healing and growth over many years. My resilience and relational toolkit have been sharpened as we built a life with two children, a dozen animals, moving to new homes, and growing food and flowers on shared land. I draw on my successes (and equally my failures!) as a leader in high-intensity hospitality management overseeing hundreds of employees, and years inside a worker-owned cooperative consultancy supporting other radical collectives.

    Some of the training and methodologies that have influenced my partners approach are somatics, trauma-informed collaboration, nonviolent communication, weaving togetherness, pleasure activism, emergent strategy, hospicing modernity, sociocracy, gestalt therapy, internal family systems, and coyote healing.

  • There is no minimum commitment for partners coaching and often my clients begin with 1-2 sessions to make sure they feel good about working together.

    For partnerships that want to make big changes I recommend starting with at least 10 sessions, weekly or biweekly. This commitment allows us time to get to the root of what is going on, to find the right practices that will help build new skills, and to start to see the positive fruits of our labor.

  • I am committed to increasing collective access to partnership support by offering this work at an affordable rate, and as much as possible I do not turn away clients for lack of funds.

    I need to receive an average of $160/session to sustain myself and my family.

    In the spirit of a solidarity economy, for clients who are not able to pay that full amount, I ask them to pay the most they can within their full willingness and capacity, without overstretching or resentment.

    I trust that people with financial resources and other forms of privilege will contribute at the highest amount, knowing that doing so helps make my support accessible to people with lower incomes and from marginalized identities. If you have any concern about money, let’s talk about it and I’m confident we will find a mutually satisfying arrangement.

    I accept cash, checks, and electronic transfers via Venmo, PayPal, and Wise.

If you’re interested in working with me or would like to learn more, shoot me an email or schedule a short introductory call. This is an opportunity to ask questions, get to know each other a bit, and decide if you’d like me to support you.